I Resolve...

The weeks before Christmas have always been hectic for me. I am always full of regret when Christmas is over because I didn't really take time to enjoy it like I should. I've been working retail too long for that, I suppose. I always say, "We'll do better next year," and write out plans of how this will be accomplished. Somewhere along the way, I lose that piece of paper in the busy-ness of life and never get around to carrying out our carefully laid out plans to make Christmas meaningful.

And then there's New Year. Resolutions almost always include eating healthier, losing weight, being a better mom and wife, getting organized, being on time, etc.

No more. Let me tell you what happened to me this year.

The day after Christmas, I had to be at work at 7:30 am to change our promos. It was raining, and I was about to turn onto the street where I work. A car came speeding across the intersection and couldn't stop in time, and hit me. I'm fine, and his minor injuries were likely caused by his airbags and failure to wear a seatbelt. I didn't get checked out that day, but my OB appointment last week showed that everything was fine with Leah as well.

The problem is that our family no longer has a vehicle. The damage to our only car was enough that it's not really worth fixing. My genius mechanic father in law is working on finding us something, but it might be another week before we have a vehicle.

If you've ever had your independence taken from you, you understand how I feel right now. Not only do we not have a home of our own to live in, we have to depend on others for things as simple as getting to and from work and doctor's appointments. Also, because we don't have a car, we can't really go looking for a place to rent. I'm learning to depend on others for help. And this is a new concept for me.

It's funny that it would take something like that to make me see it. My life is not determined by my plans, my resolutions, my desires. No matter what I want, something will always get in the way. And I am not in control. No matter how much I try to be, no matter how responsible I am, I am not in control of the other people and circumstances in my life. People make their own decisions, and circumstances can't always be changed.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not a fatalist or a determinist. I do believe that God has given us all of the tools we need to live our lives, that he 0nly allows us to endure what he gives us the ability to handle. But the key word here is God.

I am learning that I can only overcome my circumstances when I am dependent completely on the resources God provides. When I try to depend on myself, I will fail. I will get frustrated because I am unable to do it on my own. So if I have a resolution this year, that would be it. I know I have goals that I want to accomplish in the next twelve months: Get a car and a place to live, get Toby and Nathan into school, lose weight (I'm estimating at least fifteen pounds by April), etc. But a real change I want to make in my life, a new leaf I want to turn over would be to spend more time depending on God's provision alone. It is only through his grace that I will overcome.